The Night Club Research, no. 1

Recently, after the threat of nervous breakdown caused by trying to finish my studies faded, I allowed myself to take a little break. I slept longer, ate healthier (no more trying to save time by ordering take-outs) and spend some time with people I’ve neglected these past months while finishing my Master thesis. I also agreed, and even wanted, to go out clubbing and free my overcrowded mind by shaking my hips to songs I don´t really like; an activity I prefer to avoid most of the time (my past teenage self would hate me for saying this).

Since I’ve started writing these pieces, I took it not only as a chance to clear my head, but also as a good opportunity to make a little research for a potential article. And boy, do I have stuff to tell you about! Now, I am not saying that the research I made applies only for men, I am sure that women go clubbing for different reasons as well (possible future article). But for now, ladies and gentlemen, I am presenting you the latest research about types of guys a girl may encounter while clubbing.

The Observer

Or the guy from the margins … you can see him with a bottle of beer standing by the walls or in the corners of a dancefloor. His dance technique of choice is moving the body weight from one leg to another in the rhythm of the music. His facial expression doesn´t change all night and the main reason behind his presence is to observe. What he is looking at, you may ask. And my answer is pretty straightforward; I have no idea. Maybe he is a silent hunter, looking for the love of his life. Maybe he is a painter, observing the mass of moving bodies, trying to memorize every curve to be able to capture it in his painting later. However, from my experience, the world would be full of misunderstood painters judging from the number of such types visiting a night club in one night. 

The Casanova

Or the professional womanizer … also known as the most dangerous type of guy visiting the night club. Weaker, heartbroken, or careless personalities are often the easiest prey caught in a snare set by the Casanova. Everything about him is misleading, even the first sight; handsome face, stylish clothes, Pulp Fiction-worth dancing moves… and the smile that makes you faint and move closer like a magnet. Small, but meaningful steps are his method to win you over. Light touch on your arm at first, to ensure that you are game. Holding hands while dancing and deep gaze in your eyes are the next step. You don´t even realize how and the guy is glued to you from behind, moving your hips with his hands, trying desperately to get closer to you. This is the breaking point, you either let him do his thing or break free. If you are lucky enough to remove his seemingly glued hands from you, he will try his luck one last time and ask you for your number. If you are trapped in his womanizer-glamor, there´s no way out, you are there with him until the club closes. Sometimes, the game goes on and his hands stay glued in place. In that case, I keep my fingers crossed for you…

The Nationalist

A very special species… occurs in night clubs, doesn´t speak the language of the country he lives in and has a special superhero sight to find only those who speak his mother tongue or at least something similar, because that stays his main conversation theme all night long. “Where are you from, exactly?” “What are you doing here, all by yourself in a foreign country?” “I am so happy to have found you, no one understands me!”… And other similar crap. Try and ask him about his opinion on a current political situation or about his favourite book and I guarantee you, he will try and do everything to turn the conversation back to your common roots, because that is, in his mind, the right way to win your attention. We were “lucky” enough to run into this type of guy last Saturday and let me tell you, it was a lost battle from the start. Our only luck was that his perfectly normal friend (the most endangered species found in night clubs) got the message and was able to drag him away from us at last.

The Sugar daddy

Also known as the wealthy grandpa. You can find him sitting by the bar, with his chair turned to the dancefloor, sipping whisky on the rocks and smoking a Cuban cigar. He wears an expensive-looking suit, heavy perfume, slicked-back hair (if he is lucky enough to have some) and his okay-for-his-age body is orange from the amount of fake tan slapped on the previous night. His main concern is to leave an impression of a certain maturity and lived-in manhood and look for young ladies who he would invite for a drink or two in order to exhibit his wealth and expensive way of life and leave them wanting to experience more. He likes to keep them girls as personal pets or toys that come in handy in times when the feeling of loneliness kicks in. In return, posh dinners, expensive jewellery and birthday Porsche are the price to pay. How I know this, you ask. Well, I was “lucky” enough to being approached by one such elderly gentleman three weeks ago in Hannover and after refusing a Cuba Libre politely, I asked a question or two and learned that his occasional visits of night clubs usually result in adopting new lady-pets. What a noble, saviour-like mission! 

This research was conducted for all my fellow occasional night club visitors. It´s definitely a nice change to your usual program but in case you fell out of the regular routine of clubbing like me, take this as a guide for your better orientation. I myself stepped into the trap of some of these types before and let me tell you, it isn´t always easy to escape. So whatever you do, whether you decide to stay cosy with your friend drinking wine and watching Under the Tuscan Sun, or glam up and go dancing… have fun, don´t lose your head and remember: never trust a man who can dance!

Until next time,

čauko, Lenka J