Running away from poisonous love

… Or could it actually be called love? I have no clue.

Yesterday I told you when and how I ended up in a whole another country, doing something I never thought I would be brave enough to do.  Truth be told, I´ve left out the juicier part, thinking it wouldn´t be appropriate to share it online. I woke up today with my brain screaming at me “Of course you can share it! It´s your private (public) cyber space and you can do whatever the hell you want in there!”

The story starts way earlier than me actually taking the chance and moving to Leipzig for the first time; precisely, four years earlier. I was eighteen when I met the villain of this story. It was a fairy tale right from the start with proper butterflies in the stomach and never-ending sweet-talks into early morning hours. However, every fairy tale (or tragedy) must eventually find its bitter end. The sad thing is that sometimes the love you feel for the other person makes you overlook certain aspects which, if observed without the “pink glasses” of the supposed fairy tale, would normally show you the true colours of the object of your interest.

That´s precisely the colour of glasses I decided to wear every time I was with the guy. I knew in the back of my mind that something wasn´t how it´s supposed to be; nasty arguments for nothing and blank looks in the (his) eyes became more of a companion for me than his actual presence. That should be my first red flag. But instead, I was still determined to find out what´s going on and work it all out.

The situation quickly escalated to enormous heights; secret phone calls and cancelled dates started to appear regularly, which often resulted in sleepless nights with hordes of cry-coated tissues next to my bed. But it was still not enough for me to say good bye and never look back. Our funny and adventurous outings became lazy days in front of TV doing nothing, sweet nicknames were taken over by accidental name-slips of girl names I didn´t know… long story short, the guy, the person of my interest, the villain of the story started to hook up with other girls while still being in a relationship with me. My pink spectacles were broken, but not enough to break it all up. I started to threaten him by saying that I would leave him if he didn´t stop. Then he promised to stop, so I stayed. It happened again. I threatened him again. He begged me to stay… a never-ending roller-coaster of nerves and broken hearts. Until it became too much to take…

You can now imagine that the opportunity to change my life, literally run away from Slovakia and study in Germany was a welcomed change. I decided to break the news to him, close the door behind me without a single tear on my cheek, pack my things and just go. It was a welcomed change not only for me, but for my family, too. They´ve seen what a toxic relationship I was caught up in and the warm encouragements from them ensured me I was getting closer to the right track.

The freedom and independence that I found literally from one day to another showed me that my life can be completely different, that I am the only person to determine the direction of my journey and that when it comes to relationships, they can turn out to be a real fairy tale,no matter how long or shor they are... not just a horror movie in disguise. The guy was like poisoned mead; sweet at the first taste but fatal underneath. What I realised later was, that if I stayed, I wouldn´t be a girlfriend, a fiancée, a wife… I would be a slave under his control without ever being allowed to have dreams and plans for MY OWN future. His presence in my life would be like a jammed brake in an old car – the same pace till the end of lifetime.

The trip to Leipzig gave me much more than a chance for better education; it gave me the chance to break free from the cage I was in, a cage that kept me not only from my family but also from my personal development. It allowed me to spread the wings, look at the world from the bird´s perspective and choose my path. And I am still on it, in my own pace, doing my own little thing.

This short(ish) story should serve as a moral for those of you who find themselves in a similar situation. It doesn´t matter what kind of relationship it is, if it keeps you from living your life, break free, you´ve got only one chance so live it the way you´re supposed to, not the way that someone else chooses for you. It may seem hard from the start but trust me, it´s worth it. J

Until next time,

čauko, Lenka.